What's this blog about?
Parenting for non-parents
What’s this blog about?
Parenting.
Are you a parent like me?
No.
Why should I listen to you?
You shouldn’t - this blog isn’t for parents.
Then who is this blog for?
People thinking about becoming parents.
What qualifications do you have?
If I had qualifications I would be writing a book not a random blog.
Then why write about parenting?
Because when I was in elementary school a Yale law professor wrote an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” and screwed up an entire 2nd-generation of immigrants.
Amy Chua went to Harvard. She got two daughters into Harvard. Did you go to Harvard?
No, they rejected me.
And you disagree with her parenting style?
I think her advice is sound if you want to maximize your kid’s chances of going to an Ivy, landing a great job, making lots of money, meeting Mr. Right, settling down, and starting family of her own.
That’s what everyone wants for their kids.
No, that’s what everyone wants for themselves: the surest shot at having grandkids.
But of course my kids will want to be parents.
How do you know that? Did you ask them?
I don’t need to ask - everyone wants to have kids someday. Being a parent is one of the greatest joys in life. It changes what you want. They’ll understand when they’re in my shoes.
You’re absolutely right and that’s exactly why they will resent you.
That’s only because they don’t see how I’m acting in their best interest - until they become parents themselves.
Your child does not care about their “best interest”.
That’s what an adolescence is: acting against your own self interest on purpose.
Exactly. That’s why I need to protect them, so they don’t hurt themselves.
Adolescence can’t be bypassed, only delayed. You can protect them all you want from sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll - until they turn 18. Now they’re learning about everything, just not from you. You’re just paying the bill.
That’s other people’s kids - MY kid would never do weed/shrooms/premarital.
They already did. They posted it on their story last week. And if you think those examples are bad I have some unfortunate news.
I follow their Instagram and didn’t see anything.
That’s because they didn’t add you to their Close Friends. Sorry.
Why would my kid disobey me?
They did it because you told them not to. Because you told them to want what everyone else wants and avoid what everyone else avoids. You told them to go to a good school, get a good job, give you grandkids AKA things anyone else’s kids could do for anyone else’s parents.
Congratulations, you just told them they have nothing unique to offer the world. You didn’t put it so bluntly but they heard you loud and clear. And their adolescence isn’t going to end until they prove you wrong.
So you’re saying Western parenting is better? Let them do whatever they want and hope they turn out fine? And when they screw up just pat them on the back and hand them a participation trophy?
Why are you talking about parenting like it’s a competition?
Because life is a competition. Back in [3rd world country] I had to walk 2 hours to school everyday in the sun/rain/snow but my kid complains that weekly piano lessons are too much. Life isn’t fair, you need to work harder and be smarter than the competition in order to succeed, and the cost of failure is unemployment, homelessness, or worse. My child needs to see I’m not willing to take that risk with them.
You don’t think they already knew that? Kids aren’t dumb, they already know life isn’t fair. You don’t think they’d want to be successful - without you? That if you disappeared tomorrow they would just… give up?
But my kid would just play video games in the basement all day if I didn’t make them get their act together. The only reason they got straight As/went to Harvard/got their MD-PhD is because I pushed them to achieve their potential.
Now you’re taking credit for their success, using them to demonstrate how great of a parent you are. You’re talking about them how someone talks about founding a company: “I took a big risk, I sacrificed my blood/sweat/tears for years, but it paid off because of me.”
“It was my baby” - says every entrepreneur ever.
Why are you talking about a human being like they’re an asset that you own?
That’s weird.
Obviously that’s not what I meant.
Why are you acting like your words don’t matter? If you talk to someone like they’re an object, they will feel seen as an object. And it doesn’t matter how much you love each other (actually that usually makes it worse) - they will resent you for it.
You don’t realize how much I sacrificed for my kid. Late nights changing diapers and driving them 45 minutes to soccer practice 3 times a week and cooking and cleaning for them for 18 years. That’s already more than most other parents. I can let myself take some credit for their success.
You’re right, I don’t realize how much you sacrificed and probably never will until I have kids of my own.
But why do you need to take credit? Why can’t you let them give you credit of their own accord - when they’re ready? Are you worried… they wouldn’t want you to share in their success? That they aren’t capable of expressing gratitude?
That… they don’t like you?
I’m not worried about my child, I’m worried about the culture they’re growing up in. It teaches you to dislike your parents: my parents would whip me at the slightest misbehavior but I raise my voice at my kid once and all of sudden they’re talking about generational cycles of trauma.
Okay, and what are you doing about that?
What am I supposed to do? I can’t even talk to my kid without them flipping through TikTok halfway through. And the content they’re consuming is so awful. And when I tell them to put their phone away they just roll their eyes at me.
Of course they do. That’s what you did to your parents when they told you to turn off the TV. That’s how people interact with others they consider “out of touch”.
Anyway, this blog is about parenting but I’m not offering parenting advice. I don’t know you and I don’t know your kid(s). It’s totally possible that reading this blog could make you a worse parent.
But everything is engineered to be so addictive and stimulating, how can I compete against that?
Look, I get it. As a parent you are locked in an endless battle for your child’s attention. You are fighting against a culture that’s both organically evolved and artificially engineered with the sole purpose of extracting money from them (usually yours).
You are never going to be more interesting, more funny, more relatable - than the entirety of the internet crammed into an iPhone 15. But you don’t have to be any of those things. You can offer them something technology will never be able to replace: you can help them feel seen as an individual.